The struggle within me seemed too infinite. This struggle is something I deliberately fear and will somehow consume me from my deranged capabilities as a human being. A child. And a student.
I recalled January of last year when I involuntarily forced myself into messaging my 3rd year adviser during high school about ruining our class. And for that I hoped he’d change. I was unfortunately believing that he would transform into a metamorphosis we’d want him to become. But alas, it was a no. A no indeed. I was downright delusional to think that he’d accept us. I realized for a couple of months that his body was as humongous as his hatred against us. Well, there is nothing I can do more about it (which I probably-almost did when I was supposed to invite him for a Christmas concert). My self-dogma on this resulted defeat.
Second encounter was when my current adviser abandoned Christmas away from us. I wasn’t there. I was aghast when people told me she growled at my friend for everything our class had done. Said she was tired of it. I was thinking that I should not be doing the same mistake again. So I chose to side her through a post. Concerning this, only a few in my class sided with me. The others, no. Said we all needed room to grow too and dreamed of an adviser that would definitely consider our class wholly-educated for that matter. So draws this untimely conclusion of disbelief. I was made of a fool again.
All of what I believe in (except my God) is practically delusional. From my choice of music to the people I ship with — seemed that less would even bother to care. For instance, I ship two individuals from various Korean pop artists (and eventually considered them as an OTP), however many people think its nothing. They’re just friends. They aren’t a couple. Am I too deprived of shipping them so much thinking that they have this spark? Same and similar to the Ryan Ross x Brendon Urie pairing for when at the end of the day, they kick butt and kiss their planet goodbye. Why is it that I only admit delusional adventurism in my whole life? Is there nothing more critical that I can do to at least let some people know that they’re also in on it?
That’s how the cookie crumbles. And that’s how my thoughts revolve around everything unreasonable. And I am labelled the delusional freak. Save me.