I took a morning stroll today and forced myself out of my misery after plunging insomnia the night before. And the other night. And at least five nights before that. The bare fact that I know that I can’t manipulate time is adequate enough for me to just walk down that slope of a hill right past my house. “You’re insane,” I told myself right after that.

I woke up wondering to why I had to do that. Was it because she had to leave? Was it because I’m completely distressed for the past few days after the issue of someone leaving broke the silence of aficionados out there? Was it because there was no ray of sunshine to whisper to me that he’s going back to the eleven of them? The idiosyncrasy within me held me aback. And all of those sleepless nights wasted for such a drag of a news to dominate social-networking sites such as Twitter, Facebook, and even Instagram. Why am I so affected?

May 14, 2014. The day my favorite aunt migrated to Abu Dhabi was a major heartache in the household. Including myself. We had the last few hours together over small talk and weather dispositions until I woke up to realize she flew with the plane ticket to her final destination. My heart cringed for the first time, and it felt like someone merely passed away. The pain was still there. The thought of trying to move on was useless. (Please do say I’m not strong. You do know that I am but a pessimistic optimist.)

May 15, 2014. The day a trash-worthy news fluttered on and in-between celebrity portal sites. ‘One ‘guy’ had to file a lawsuit against the company he’s working and wants to terminate his contract’. This may sound unfamiliar to you but in my world, it says that someone wants to leave a band. One of my favorite bands. After hearing this so-called news, I tried to laugh it off. It is mere gossip anyway. But evening dawned over me when what the cringe-worthy news had to interpret was somehow a “fact”. And it also dawned over me that it was painfully crafted. More than a set-up. So like an idiot, I tried to push back the cringes and acted like it was nothing to me. “What am I to them anyway? We’re not even close, not the slightest exchange of information,” my conscience spoke. But in the dark of night, I wasted a bucket of trashy teardrops.

After the two incidents, I wrapped myself in my thought blanket. The emotions were blended altogether enough for a distressful shake. And it took me days to recover. I can’t even do my daily routine and queue of things that I really wanted to do the most right. I’ve had had sleepless nights, yes. But was it worth it? No. “I had to move on”

The thought of leaving was an aspect for me to try to adjust myself to the situation. It does hurt when someone leaves. It does. More than a break-up probably. Excruciatingly painful than death, I presume. But then, who am I to blame them for leaving? It merely makes me a mercenary being for just wanting them to come back. But then God allowed these to happen. He does have to do this. He has an accustomed plan for these things to take place. After blaming them (my aunt and that guy who left his band) for leaving, I was a fool. A fool for crestfallen tears that are wasted in the heart of the Pacific.

After that morning stroll, I realized one thing. People change. People are being lead in other directions and pathways in life. It’s okay for me to have a surge of mental breakdowns these past few days after knowing what lead them there. But it doesn’t make me the person I was before. I had to clear out all the negativity.

And the next thing I’ll do is support. I support my aunt in finding a new job in Abu Dhabi for the sake of the household. And I support the band, even with just eleven members, and I think they can do better this time – for their fans (including me). Things happen for an ultimate reason. And that doesn’t stop there.

Right now, I’m writing this full-page essay after more than seven days of mourning over the ones who left my circle. The last thing I’ll note is to what will take place next.


One thought on “The Thought of Leaving

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