It’s now vanished. The end of my semestral misery.
Months ago, feelings ruled over me rather than my conscience. And emotions raveled my everyday actions. Fantasy ruled over my rationality that was the real me. The masculine, awesome, and obnoxious “me” that I had been.
It was the first three weeks since college commenced. My life was still intact with the past which was one of the best that I had ever indulged in. High school. Sweet sorrow parted all our ways to new destinations — one of them was college. And that was what I can’t hold on longer. I’ve recognized a lot of new faces and compared them to people I’ve known for the last four years. And there were people whom I’ve despised. (The latter might be important for the next succeeding paragraphs).
Yes, there were people whom I’ve despised. He was one of them.
It was a selcouth encounter. I’ve despised this person for bragging his simpleton-not-simpleton intellect (no offense). Well, that changed. After getting acquainted with his personality and we were already acquaintances (Not to mention that he was the friend of a person I knew during high school), weeks passed, and the weather changes. Every time. Every single time that I tried to approach this person, an air of awkwardness surrounds the entire ambiance that is our presence. I’ve done nothing wrong. Certainly, I have done nothing wrong. However, emotions ruled over me. I have felt the awkward. It wasn’t supposed to be felt. Then again, emotions were ruling over me at that moment and I cringe every time this happens.
People also started noticing him trying to approach me almost all the time. Which made me feel awkward a little more.
So probably, he was someone I was rather fond of. Just probably.
That all changed with a test paper. I’ve overheard him mentioning that he wanted to be on top. Punishes himself if he doesn’t. That same day, I’ve received news from a classmate that I gained a high score in an exam. I tried not to believe and laughed it off. He knew about it. And as he received his test paper, he was down.Turns out when I noticed his expression, it was undefined. Felt like it was the end of the world for him. I was badly disappointed for at that moment, I realized that he may have his demons of being a little self-centered. Not that the feeling vanished, it’s just that it had subtracted.
And as the days passed, I realized that the feelings were conquering my actions. I had become submissive to its intentions (Please, if you have read The Science of Infatuation and Walking Shadow, at that time I was completely immobilized by the emotion of fondness). Wrote what I had to write, thought what I had to think. And it was time I realized that I’m not myself anymore. I wasn’t the person I am. Acted more feminine and such and trying to be someone I wasn’t.
After all that, I wished by then that I’d be my normal self again. Not talking about people whom I’m rather “fond” of. And not talking about “love”. By then, I remembered the famous I Corinthians 13 passage.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”
All I thought was myself. I’ve never thought of God’s plans.
And now, I realized that love is not an emotion. It is not an emotion. It is an action. An action that must be observed keenly.
Because I was blinded by that emotion of I-have-no-idea-what-it-actually-is, my actions were affected. Well, time heals and reveals. Now, I believe I have made the right choice. Succumbed to social suicide (i.e. cut my hair short) and was more confident of myself, thinking stupidly that if I’d be my more manly self he would repel from me. I felt like my old natural. And I never thought and felt of that “fondness” again.
I don’t know what but college is getting to me. I’ve come to realize that life is a series of unfortunate events. Not that unfortunate though but rather the circumstances are quite interesting. Cliché as it seems, experience is the best teacher. At the very least, I’ve experienced the feeling of being fond of someone. At the very least, I knew what would happen to me when that happens. And at the very least, I knew of the sanctions that would be the result of my reckless actions.
It is not the right time. Overthinking may be a trouble however, the bottomline, it is not the right time.
And at this point, my emotional everything for this specific person has vanished.